Exhale

What a year! I mean a literal 12 months. One year ago, I thought I had met "THE ONE!" In May, he demolished me. How does one handle being hurt by a man she thought would be there forever? I guess I never really handled it. I kept seeing him every week at gymnastics. Every Monday night throughout Tuesday morning I would be depressed. Every week I got a reminder of who it was I fell for. The man who coaches his team on the gym floor is totally different from the man outside the gym. All his energy is used at the gym and everything else became leftovers. So, when I go to the gym I see that enthusiasm. I see the spark and the motivation and it is very intriguing. I got to the point I didn't want to be depressed anymore. I have prayed long and hard many times about the situation, but I knew my prayers couldn't be answered if I continued to face what caused my frustration on a weekly basis.
I stopped watching Takyra's gymnastics. I would drop her off and leave. 6 weeks I have stayed away from the gym. Away from the man who I could not look at without feeling all the stress of what happened. It is hard to explain the actual feelings I had, but I was tired of them and I had to get away. I felt that I needed a break so that I could focus my energy on more useful things and thoughts. However, he continues to stay on my mind. As much as I would like for amnesia to set in when it comes to this man, he always works his way into my thoughts.
Last week, Takyra had a private gymnastics lesson and I showed up for a little while to watch her. I had turned to look out the window, because Mema was waiting for me in her car. When I turned I saw that Ennis was there and he waved. I acted as though I had not seen him and just looked past him out the window. The next evening at gymnastics, I attempted to make eye contact due to feeling guilty about ignoring him the day before. No go, so I watched my daughter's gymnastics class for the first time in 6 weeks. I ignored everyone else and tuned in on her. I was not depressed or upset that night or the next day. Time does heal all wounds...or most. So I got over the stress of being in the same room as him. He still fills my thoughts.
Thursday morning, Takyra and I had a little argument about getting ready for school. As usual, our small arguments always turn into something about her dad. She was bawling and saying she misses him and that's why she is so sad and her feelings were hurt. I told her not to bring him up when the argument had nothing to do with him. " Mom, sometimes I feel like you don't love my dad." Darn skippy I don't. I explained that it was not meant for us to be together and I did not have to love him. What was important is that he loves her. The conversation was long and I feel my daughter is getting old enough to understand that he has not been here for her...EVER.
After I dropped her off at school it broke my heart. Realization that it seems that my love is not good enough for anyone on this earth. Sometimes not even for my daughter, who longs to have her own father love her in a way he never will.
I did the only thing I could do, I called my sister, who I knew would not be judgemental. During my conversation with her I said something I thought was good debate for the situation with Takyra, but in saying it out loud it was a big hit at myself. Realization that my daughter is just like me.
Regardless of how bad these men have been to us, or how little they have loved us, we are willing to overlook all these things just to have them be a part of our lives. I don't want my daughter to grow up loving without being loved in return. I don't want her waiting for someone who will not make her wait worthwhile.
When are we worthy of someone's love here on earth? God said that it is not right that man should be alone. I am praying that the reward erases all memory of loneliness. I can't say that I am worth the best, but as for my daughter, she is so deserving of a father who would love her unconditionally. I know that is not her biological father that will do that.
I faced my "fears." Today I went with Takyra to her private gymnastics lesson. I stayed and watched. After it was over, I went to Ennis, I wished him a Happy Halloween and asked how he was doing. He smiled and seemed happy I was talking to him. Funny thing is, I have no voice after my allergies have taken most of it from me. I don't know if he was smiling because I talked to him or if he was laughing at my munchkin voice. After our short conversation I walked out to the car and was content.
Yes, it still hurts. Today was good though. I am moving forward. Every week will remind me, and yes I dread the day I find out he plans to wed. My biggest fear ever is that I am easily forgotten. For now, I feel stronger than I was 6 weeks ago. God hears my prayers. I am learning that some answers are a working progress day by day.