A Time for Change
There is a time for everything. Now is time for change. Maybe it's the PMS speaking. Maybe it's my frustration with where I am in life. Maybe it's my frustration with the people in my life. I don't know what it is. What I do know is that it is time to change some of the things about myself, since who I have been for the past almost 31 years has not been good enough. I look at who I have always been...an honest, loyal person who gives whole heartedly. There have never been any secrets to my life. I've always been told, "You'll make someone a good wife someday." Gee thanks, do I get a certificate for that?
I see a lot of me in my daughter and that scares me. I don't want her to question who she has always been. I want people to accept her and long to be around her.
Lately, I have analyzed my personality from every angle and I realize I am made up of all the negative characteristics of my parents. Throw in some creativity and you have me. Yes, I live with my parents which seems to feed those characteristics even more.
So now I have to change. If it weren't for my parents' love for my daughter and vice versa, or Takyra's love of her gym, I'd pack up and move to another country in a heartbeat. Start over fresh, while changing who I am. But I am not that cruel. I can't take her that far from them. Even so, I have to get out and away.
I'm scared. Scared that trying to change myself, might make me lose myself altogether. Scared that by toughening up, I might eventually build a barrier too high to be broken. Scared that once I do change I find out someone actually appreciated the old me. HA!
Today, I realized I am not memorable. I am not good enough to be remembered. I am okay for the moment that someone decides they might like my company, but then I'm forgotten. As dedicated as I am to anyone and everyone who enters my life, somehow it isn't enough. Funny, all the people I have ever loved, could never tell me they ever loved me until after we were torn apart. I was under the impression that when you love someone, they can tell by your actions and it is never questioned. I don't think anyone has ever had to question me. As for all of them, the question still remains.
posted by Tami @ 6:09 PM
1 comments
1 Comments:
I, I, I. Me, me, me...Tamra LeBlanc, you are a wonderful, funny, smart, charming, sensitive girl. You are also so busy trying to be everything you think someone else wants you to be that you are forgetting who it is The One that made you wants you to be. Greater is HE who is IN you...read it again. Greater is HE. Greater is HE. Not me. How come you're trying so hard? You're spinning your wheels. Let go and LET GOD!! Cliche? Well, it works. Let Him be your strength and shield. Let Him be your significance. We'll never be happy with ourselves. But when we look at ourselves and see Christ in us, He just sort of takes over. Only then will you find your joy. You are an incredible creation, and you are fearfully and wonderfully made, and God loves you with all your quirks. For you to deny that is to disrespect your Creator and say He isn't perfect, or had some "lapse" when He made you. That would be wrong! He made you with those quirks for a reason...because only YOU can do the work He set apart for you to do. Are you feeling significant yet? Look to God. Your worth lies in Him. And as for running away, forget it. You can't reinvent yourself. Wherever you go, there you are. And that can be a good thing if you learn to LOVE who God made you. Love you. Qwicherbellyakin'. PS-the word I have to type in for word verification was fotuki. Fotuki you too!!
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