Define SUCCESS!

(Isn't he beautiful...for a gorilla? Keep reading and you'll understand)
As always, the love life is fizzled and flat. But right now, that is fine by me. It is only when a relationship goes bad that I am truly bothered by this. I used to define my success not by how much I received in this world, but by what I can provide for myself and my daughter. I know that sounds close, but it isn't. I don't want to have riches so great I have no clue what to do with the remaining $5 million of the day. I want to provide a roof over our heads and say " I did that!" I also defined my success by finding someone to love me. I think I do still have that as a symbol of success, but I am re-prioritizing. When I am old and I look back on my life, will I think myself successful? Right now, I don't know that I would. I have done many things in my young life which I believe have molded me. Made me a success? NO.
I am currently looking at houses. Hoping to purchase one by the time fall flies in. I have rented before. How sad that my daughter can't paint a room the color she wants. I want that for her. Will it be success? Are the things we look at as definition of success for ourselves truly successful once we achieve them? I think the things I once thought made me successful are no longer looked at that way because I wanted everyone else to look at me and see it as I did. I have hopes and dreams still. As old as I may get, I do have dreams for myself that have yet to be fulfilled. Will that moment define me, or will I define it?
My realistic hopes are to have a house for me and Takyra and to fix it up the way we like. I hope to have a salon of my own one day. These are so close, I can taste them.
My dream that would melt my heart in an instant. I want to touch a gorilla. To some this sounds...odd. To Tarisa and Takyra, it doesn't. A few years ago, while in OKC, we went to the zoo. My family went into the gorilla exhibit and the rest of the visitors seemed to vanish. I sat by the window of a room which held one gorilla. I "flirted" with the gorilla, looking it's direction and then looking away when he looked my way. After awhile of doing this, I had been called over to see the silverback in the other room. I walked away from the first, and he did not like that at all. He ran up and banged on the glass. The whole family was startled and I went back to my position by the window. The flirting started up again. Just to see what the response would be, I walked away again. He banged on the window once more. I went back and he came up to the window where I was sitting and put his hand up to the glass. To my dad it was just an animal that didn't know any better. To my mom and sister it was a sweet moment that got an "Awwwww" from both. To me, it was breathtaking. The only negative was that a glass was between us. I do believe I had the ability to bond with that beautiful creature.
I look at my definition of success in this world and it is logical for everyday living. Sometimes it seems a little far from my grasp, but I know it gets closer and closer everyday. Will those successes be as sweet as that moment the gorilla saw me? I doubt it. I am learning a great deal about myself by listening to my deepest feelings. Would I give up a dream home to touch a gorilla? YES, and Takyra would completely understand it. The thing about what matters most to us is that when it really matters, everyone around you understands it. Maybe that is true success.

MEN! Cross Another One Off the List!

Well, another man has exited my life. I have dated Corwin ( aka CoCo) for 9 months now...Kind of. We got along great. We could talk about childhood memories and laugh for hours. Even so, we weren't a match. In March, the night before my birthday, he invited me over to watch a movie. As I got ready to go, I realized I didn't want to go over there, ever again. I called him back and told him what was up. I didn't feel the connection from him. I knew I admired him and could have strong feelings, but I didn't feel he had feelings for me. I let it go, and I was happy about it.
The family went to Disney World and while there I received numerous messages from CoCo saying how much he missed me. Could this be the same man? When I returned from the trip, I went to see him and some friends. He was charming and sweet the entire evening. He kept telling his friends how beautiful I was and how much he had missed me. I should've known to run, liar! LOL I gave it another chance. Maybe he was capable of developing feelings for me. NOT!!! So, last week we talked and it just ain't there. I was a wreck. Blame certain hormones that get in the way of every woman's daily functions, once a month. I bawled and sniffled and tried to figure out why! A year ago, I would have asked God why He didn't want me to spend my life with someone who would return my love. This time I just asked God when will He show me the one. I know I won't get the answer to that one until it happens. Even so, once the hormonal agony subsided, I was able to look at the situation like I did in March and just walk away. No regrets. I met an amazing man whom I have enjoyed the company of, but there is someone else out there for each of us.
He's out there somewhere! I'm close to calling the Coast Guard to find him!